Costume Tutorials

Ages ago I decided to spend less on buying costumes from ebay and instead to spend time making costumes with my sewing machine and a foam cutter etc. I would simply locate all the clothing and trinkets I have piled up around the tiny flat we live in and I would run up hand-made costumes that caused onlookers to gasp and say 'where the hell did you buy that confection?' etc and so forth.
Two snarl ups and some quite dodgy hand made toys that I need to apologise to my godchildren for later and I have a box of recyclable garmets, foam and no new costumes.

So these tutorials are cause for guilt and embarrassment. Maybe one day they will spur me onto actual action. In the meantime, look upon these works, ye mighty, and despair.

http://xenomachina.com/2005/10/howto-lego-minifig-costume.html

http://www.instructables.com/id/Halloween-2007---Who-Ya-Gonna-Call/

sigh

Bernie Ambitions

This weekend I spent some time on a golf course hanging out with my boyfriend's family and trying to avoid sunburn, which was more fun than you might expect. At one point a friend of my boy's brother ran into the restaurant sporting one of those Bernie Clifton costumes which look as though a person is riding a massive bird.

This was a coincidence as my New Year's resolution for 2007 is to make a version of this that makes it look as though I am riding a Pink Flamingo in time for Bestival in September. A resolution that, true to form, I have largely ignored since its conception in January, save for purchasing some pink feathers and papier mache.

SO anyway, in comes the chap, whose bird was, at best, a little shoddy and nondescript (orange) and who seemed as happy with the appendage between the legs as he was with the rapturous reception he received (his bird's neck hang loosely until manually pulled up whereas mine will, I hope be self sufficient).
More like this (this is not him. This is the bastard son of David Beckham and that bloke in Corrie with the high voice)

Anyway, prompted by the arrival of a substandard Clifton I was able to consider my original plan for contruction again.
For example, one advantage his costume has over my original design was that, thanks to its loose covering across the top he was able to sit down. This was something I hadn't considered to date, and had planned to create a more solid rounded bird body around me bum. This now seems unnecessarily impractical. It also brings the subject of toilet visits up again, something I have been neglecting in my enthusiasm. Even this chap was saying his costume was hindering is ability to urinate. And he had the advantage, obviously, of external genitalia and largely civilised lavatories, whereas as a lady at Bestival I may particularly struggle on this score. However I am sure this is something that can be managed, with the correct design. Possibly with some sort of integrated funneling device?

Anyway the best advice on construction I have found to date is this online site about making halloween costumes for kids:
http://jas.familyfun.go.com/arts-and-crafts?page=CraftDisplay&craftid=10262
Although this is handy for the feet:
http://www.costumes.org/classes/254pages/projects/birdfoot.htm

But in the search I found these beauties:
How to make 10 ft silver wings (this is possibly the most impressive costume I have ever seen)
http://www.cockeyed.com/incredible/wings/wings.html
How to make a head out of meat:
http://cascade.mit.edu/halloween/meathead.html

Which just goes to show that neglecting the pursuit dressing fancy will only lead to depriving myself of All Sorts of Fun. Hey! Never mind the bloody job, where's the plastic skull covered in chum?

Best of British

My mate Calli is a real inspiration, so she is. Every year she, her sister and friends hold a party in January with an obligatory fancy dress code and a slightly off kilter theme. Fairly mucks about with any plans you may have had for de-toxing but that's a ridiculous notion anyway.

This year's theme was 'Best of British', which is a great theme because its one of those slow burners: at first you think, yeah, okay, that's a fine idea, Ill go as a...and then suddenly,

WHAM!

a thousand brilliant costume plans leap into your brain.

Like, I'll go as a...

BA Air Hostess (this is Calli and her sister and their four fantastic legs)

A Beefeater? Mary Poppins? (yes that's me on the right: have to say, the Poppins was a bit tough on someone too superstitious to open an umbrella indoors..)

A Brownie? A Cricketer? Its like, there aren't enough slightly porny costumes in the world for this theme...

hey! I might come as a Spice Girl (Breaking the rule that blacking up is only allowed if you are coming as Mr T.. I think. I'm reliably informed that since Avid Merrion all bets are off re. Scary)

Or St George! That's brilliant!

What about being a Beatle? So cool... (although I think George H would have pulled Baby if he'd been on the Spice Girls bus in real life)

A Royal Couple? Bring that on. This is Calli's Mum on the left who clearly does nothing by halves neither

and finally, my personal favourite, the schoolgirl Mum. The only possible improvement here would have been to exchange that glass of rioja for a Pineapple Breezer.

All these very very up for it people went on to create an absolutely rocking party with a riotously sweaty dancefloor. Anyway this all goes to reinforce two Important Lessons:

1) Broad but original themes are really fun to think of costumes for

2) Fancy dressing makes for a swifter passage to Party Greatness.

Fern's Guide to Festive Fanciness

Some might say that forcing ones family to wear festively themed gear for Christmas Day is dressing up an already overdressed holiday. Some might say that insisting your little brother wears a Santa Suit complete with deluxe beard and half moon spectacles (and consequent sardonic scowl) is not conducive to encouraging relaxation and bonhomie around the familial hearth. Some might say that kitting your mother out in a Santa Baby outfit and sparkly green slippers is a bit... much. And I know at least one person who would say that prosthetic elf ears and a giant satin babygrow is probably a step too far into fancy for a chap.

To these folk, I say PFF! Look at the FUN! And check out my mother's legs!

Anyway: some guidance as to the costumes of Christmas:

1. Festive fanciness can be enjoyed all year round, unlike carols or tinsel, and is particularly useful on fancy occasions that might be a bit chilly.
2. Every lady loves a Santa. Some a little bit too much. This is often regarded Wrong. Personally, I think you should get it where you can and if it takes a big curly beard and a apillow or two then stuff that greatcoat tight and enjoy. She'll probably feel a bit ikky in the morning though.
3. If you are dressed in a santa suit you can (and should) expect to get a lot of interaction with the general public and passers by and so forth, making humorous sallies on the subject of their Christmas list. You might want to suggest better behaviour on their part or to advise that they write up their requests in a letter to the North Pole/ Lapland. Alternatively, you can do as my Joe did on New Years, dressed as Santa with a pint of scrumpy in one had and a fag in other and snarl 'put it in a fu**ing email its my day off you bastards'. But remember to watch out for small children and try not to shatter their dreams where posssible.
4. Ladies, if you have a real sense of occasion in December you will do as Mariah and my Mum did and get those legs out. You will look hot. I am not sure quite why, but trust me, its a good look, with or without the kinky boots.
5. The lack of variation should be embraced. I don't really hold with dressing up as a Christmas pudding or such. I much prefer the Millions of Santies approach, especially when they are doing inappropriate things like brawling or jogging: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/mid/4081415.stm

Ho!