Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy: Halloween

There are some American imports of which I wholly approve : Tom Waits music, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Kraft's Mac and Cheese and Halloween's Fancy Dressing being a handful of examples.
When I were a lass Halloween basically consisted of a crap edition of Why Don’t You in which children with difficult accents inexplicably shoved each other’s faces in buckets of water with apples in, and some plastic Jack O Lanterns, which briefly surrounded the pick and mix in Costcutters. Aside from that I forlornly watched decades of films and telly from the States in which children and adults alike obsessed about what their costume this year would be, came up with something slightly random and brilliant, knocked on each others doors and went partying with their pets and pet aliens dressed up as midget giants or robots or something. In the same way that US High School probably doesn’t involve quite so much running your own radio station and copping off in locker rooms, I’m sure Halloween doesn’t always attract smart wise ass checker shirted chums with a fabulous sense of the absurd. But Still. Having one day dedicated to costume parties has got to be a step in the direction of Cool, hasn’t it?
Anyway rejoice! For the gradual merging of our nation with its corporate benefactor has finally resulted in the great gift of Halloween. Now we can all play. Some young folk think it even started here in the first place. Who gives a shit? Where did I put my glow in the dark teeth?

The great thing about Halloween is that it seems any costume is on brief. Witness Matt's unusual cartoon elvis cum zorro take on the whole thing. I don't know what it is, but it kind of works... And here we see a perfectly normal Halloween ghoulie fest gatecrashed by a cheerleading Superman. Actually that really is scary.

All that stuff about dead people and ghosts and ghoulies and so forth is fine, but I suppose some of those Yanks got bored of hauling the same skeleton suit out of the closet every year, and ran out of scary things to be, so as I understand it, the deal is now that the more random and clever and even figurative you can be the better. Although I hear this mainly from my friends in LA and New York. Maybe it’s all still zombies and freaks in the Midwest (insert generic US friendly joke about not being able to tell difference here). We are either still in the early stages of development regarding Halloween costumes here, or desperately clinging to its pagan roots, so people in the UK tend to opt mainly for the monsters witches and that.
After all its not every day of the year you get to scare the living bejesus out of pre school children (Trick or Treat is it sonny? Treat yourself to my Hilarious Dripping Blood Teeth, and Realistic Pussy Wounds my Tiny Parka Jacketed Friend) without imminent arrest. Lets stick with it for the time being because as we all know, having a theme is a Good Thing and stops you sticking plastic bags to your head in a sleep deprived panic.

The theme of Dead Walking the Earth is however, a very liberal one. Can you think of anyone interesting who has died?

Oh yes. Everyone! Brilliant. Come as Elvis, complete with bloodless green skin and the poppy out eyes of a heart attack victim. Come as Mama Cass with half a chicken hanging out your mouth. Come as Charles the First with a genius mechanical head under your arm. Excellent do-it-yourself-without-actually-stabbing-yourself wounds can be found through the theatrical make up company, “Screen Tests” and involve some shelling out for latex glue and latex glue remover but really do return the effort and expense in children’s screams alone. (In London you can buy it at Charles H Fox in Covent Garden but am sure you can send off for it)

Otherwise there’s always the Underworld. You can go Classic (Medusa, That Thing with One Eye, er…. Sorry didn’t go to posh school. Ask someone else) or Pagan (Your basic Witch, Warlock, Werewolf, Vampire type thing).

I am particularly proud of our use of ghoulish make up here...

Yes, yes, you can go as a cat or a naughty devil. If you genuinely do look really sexy in it. If you don’t look really sexy you will definitely meet someone else who has come as a cat or a naughty devil too and is really sexy, and then you will be plunged into a maudlin and quite boring depression.

These girls will sit next to you if you come as a nughty devil. Then you will look less like a naughty devil and more like a rather plain bird in deely boppers.

You should consider the B Movie for inspiration. Aliens, Dracula’s Wife, Evil Robots, Mummies, Zombies, Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster (yes I am that pedantic. It may be a tedious and overrated gothic novel but the movies got it right and so should you.) Munsters, Zombies and Ghouls (oh my).

However, it has to be said that the best costumes I’ve seen yet hark back to the real roots of the festival itself and feature Dead Prom Queens, Jocks with Knives in their Guts and Cheerleaders with their Eyes Gouged Out. Yay! Go Team!

Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy - The Sixties

1960s
The thing about the rest of these themes is that you are increasingly likely, as the blog wears on, to encounter someone who was actually knocking about during the decade in question so it’s a good idea to use a bit of imagination and to try to get the era a bit right.
Luckily the 60s were not only highly documented at the time, but seem to be a focal point of nostalgia even amongst those of us born long afterwards so there’s no shortage of daisy festooned material to draw upon.
Girls, you can not go wrong with some heavy eye make up, a wide headband a short dress and some round toed heels/ kinky boots, and boys, a moptop wig/ alteration of your current barnet, a skinny trouser leg and a wide lapelled jacket will see you right. But come on people, we can all do better than that can’t we?

The Music
You have very little excuse not to dress like the bands at the time, since most of the bands out now are managing it perfectly well. Boys can go for a neat black suit with a skinny leg if they want to be early-era Beatles/ Kinks etc, with a beatnik barnet; or they can go all flouncy or satin miltaria in the manner of Sergeant Pepper toward the end of the era. Girls can go for the Supremes style girlband approach with mountainous beehives short dresses and boots (why not come as a threesome in matching/ different coloured dresses for extra impact?) or the later-era floaty folk hippy like Baez/ Melanie, all fringe, eyemake up and flowers in their hair.

The Drugs: They were stronger then. SO we hear. How exact you want to be in translating the drug culture into costume is your bag, man, but it would be a crying shame were there not a few tripped out beardy acidheads strumming lutes and having Free Love at your party right? Else you could go early era Speed and Beatnik Be Bop, sweaty and manic like Lennon at his fourteenth Hamburg gig in 6 nights.

Steve rocks a Prisoner suit

The TV/ Films: Blow the Bloody Doors Off. Or arrive in a mini with media specs on (like you wree going to anyway) and call yourself Alfie. Or moon about like a French sexstar. Or be a Monroe, late era, all black eye make up and crazy bouffe platinum hair. Then there's what I believe is now known in media circles as Cult TV - The Avenger will get you laid if you are a lady (and possibly even more if you are a gent) and the Prisoner is a marvellous option for chaps who like a suit as proved by young Steve above. There's plenty of kids TV to plunder too. A quick search on the interweb will find you a Quant bag full of cartoon characters, puppets and assorted jolly hosts to emulate.

The Politics: Anti Vietnam protests (careful - getting kinda 70s now), Civil Rights, Kennedy... it depends how earnest you want to be really. Be aware, as all good partygoers always should, that walking round with a War Sucks placard or similar does make you look like a bit of a dick. And that taking the piss out of civil rights protesters is a very very risky enterprise

Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy - Jazz Age Theme

Jazz Age (Roaring Twenties and Depressed/ Dirty Thirties)

Jazz age is a very popular theme amongst posher folk and only the irritably pedantic get all uppity about the distinction between twenties and thirties.
However, I am one of them, so to resolve dispute before I start, I have rolled the 2 decades into one, since that is what most people will do anyway. The ordinary approach to the theme for ladies is to find a suitably drop waisted/ baggy strappy dress, wrap something sequinned around the forehead and spend a lot of time wagging one’s hands around Charleston style; and for gentlemen, the white/ black tie comes out possibly improved with a moustache or scarf. As ever, this ordinary approach shows at least the basic commitment to the theme so should not be derided as such… its just that I think you can do so much better than that, people. These two decades possibly appeal to party themers because they saw an explosion of cultural activity that today seems positively riotous, by comparison with our own process of recycling and regurgitation that passes for invention. You’ve got the following movements to draw on for inspiration:
The Movies – Charlie Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, Louise Brookes, Greta Garbo, Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton for the players, or in Toonland, Betty Boop, Mickey Mouse, Felix the Cat…

Prohibition, Crime and Gangland – Either the real stuff, filtered through Godfather films: violin cases, speakeasies, Molls and Mobsters; or the Bugsy Malone version with custard guns?

Music: Tap dancing, Minnie the Moocher, Cab Calloway, cabaret and all that JAZZ, Cotton Club is a good place to look for inspiration.

Books: Agatha Christie’s cast of Doomed Aristos come in handy – you could even be Poirot or Miss Marple themselves, alternatively the assembled ranks from her cruises and trains number tennis players, cads, bounders, oriental gentlemen, princesses, safari-suited adventurers, playboys, cocktail waitresses… Then there’s Jeeves and Wooster – what about a nice tweed suit with knickerbockers and a big flat cap sir? Perhaps one could recommend a rather natty silk cravate and a dolly bird from the Shows on one’s knee? Or Phillippa - Big Girl, Sporty? (wears tennis dresses and cloche hats and looks rather fierce). We haven’t even touched upon the Modernists or the Bloomsberry set but then it rather depends on the level of your audience. But in general I would counsel you to look beyond the Formal in your attire: you will look lovely and stand out a great deal more if you consider a nice wrap, a pretty tea dress and a cloche hat

Wars: Don’t forget the uniform rule. Sure, we are Between the Wars here but there was plenty of fodder for a young man’s rifle in distant pats of the empire and I’m sure no one will take issue with your historical veracity if you show up in a pith helmet and regalia. Think The English Patient (the bit before he shows up at the French Lady’s place) You could be in very Poor Taste and be an injured/ shell shocked serviceman?

Depression: Its not the fun bit but there are highly original costumes to be had from the Great Crash: urchins, suicidal financiers, workmen in overalls and so forth.

International Affairs: Again, how highbrow or controversial you want to be will depend on your audience and whether you are a prominent member of the royal family or not) but there are costumes to be had in the rise of Hitler’s Nazis, in the Russian Revolution, the Ku Klux Klan, and the Spanish Civil War

Hair and Make up: Ladies, I think cutting ones hair into a Bob for the occasion is above and beyond the call of duty so those with long hair have the option, as did their more timid counterparts at the time, of taking a page from Princess Leia’s book and coiling it into two plaited ‘earphones’ on each side of the head, or rolling the whole lot into a wide chignon at the back and maybe pin curling the fringey bits round the side. Short haired ladies can oil it like the gents – there’s a lot of mannish cross dressing in the thirties, and you could add some sexy pin curls round the forehead to remind people that you are female. As for make up I would go heavy on the lipstick and light on everything elsewhere.

Gents: Just comb it a bit more than usual, consider a parting for a change and add plenty of hair gel/ oil/ whatever is left in the bathroom cupboard. Gents with long hair are going to have to consider a hat.

Notes for hosts: Ways to play the theme to its best at your do could include a Bath of Moonshine, projecting films from the era on a spare wall, violin cases propped up about the place (what you put in them is up to you); glasses at strategic points with cigarette holders in them (what you put in them is up to you); casino paraphernalia, signs for the speakeasy, and lots of room for people who don’t know how to do the Charleston to hop about and flail their arms in an approximation of the Tiller Girls.

Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy - On Decade Themed Parties

The Decade Themed Party (60s, 80s etc)

Choosing this Theme:
If it’s simplicity and versatility you are seeking in a Costume theme, the decade-themed party recommends itself highly. It can also be useful for those with birthdays in larger numbers wishing to wallow in some nostalgia for their halcyon youth when clothes could be bought for less than ha-penny and barely covered their threepenny bits. (Although following the letter of the theme on this last point should be avoided if you are commemorating a birthday with a higher number than 30 and/or if you have children prone to embarrassment)
Your Decade specific theme tends to be 60s, 70s, 80s, or, strangely, 20s*. 1940s themed parties are less common, presumably because Utility dress is not especially fondly remembered but those seeking a room full of men in smart uniforms and Pin-Up girls could reverse this trend. 1950s are also rare and tends to be covered off by Grease costumes at other parties but it would be nice to see some Beatniks, Buddy Hollies and Busty Blonde Bombshells hanging out listening to some Be-Bop Hop. I’m afraid authenticity fans will be sorry to hear that 30s is often rolled into 20s costume themes and since this has become the Norm I would urge themers to describe such a party as Jazz Age which allows for both.

The decade theme demands little of the guests who are less enthusiastic about fancy dressing, whilst allowing those with true commitment to Costume to indulge either extreme authenticity or creative character development.

However there are 2 things to consider before settling on a decade-specific theme

Thing One: If you have a genuine desire to celebrate a decade which you feel a strong connection to, then bear in mind many guests are likely to come dressed as a hideous caricature of your past, swathing themselves in acrylic and comedy wigs and usually paying little respect to the icons of yesteryear. My mother once marched around a 60s party demanding that those dressed up in sparkly glam rock platforms and satin flares be informed that such items were not worn until the 70s. This isn’t a very party-friendly dynamic, and tends to lead to social embarrassment.

Thing two: If the party is in honour of your birthday, be warned that the decade theme has the ability to show everybody’s age with ghastly specificity. No one feels quite as old as the lady dressed as Kate Bush talking to her Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle boyfriend explaining that Wham did not in fact sing ‘Girls on Film’.

Approaching the Theme
Approach A:
Check out the clothing of the era (a quick glance through the following pages should help to spark the imagination and keep you on-brief) Approach local charity shop with a fistful of fivers, and do your best to emulate the styles of the past. Be warned that it is quite hard to find really decent vintage clothes from beyond a decade or so ago now in charity shops. For properly authentic looks you may need to find an authentially aged relative or spend some good money in a vintage store.
Approach B
Choose a figure from the era and dress as them. (Again, some ideas follow.) This tends to be received more warmly and does mean you can distinguish yourself sartorially from all the people smelling of fabreze and wearing dead men’s greatcoats.
Approach C
Something more lateral. I can’t really help you here, because its all about your own creativity. I can, however tell you that I know someone who came as a Black and White film to a 1920s party which was a remarkable feat of PVC engineering. Again the following pages should help to inform your inner creative genius.

Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy - Guide to Choosing a Theme

On Theming your party

As previously mentioned, costume parties are rarely left free and unleashed these days. Deciding the theme for one’s is usually at least as important as the date and far more important than the occasion, the guest list or the venue (although it influences all these things). Your theme choice will tell guests a lot about you.

Are you a High Concept themer? (“The theme is T”, announces a highly finished powerpoint presentation with a range of Clip Art featuring things beginning with T)
Or a Hilarious Themer? (Hey! It’ll be wild! We’re all going to dress up as Pat Butcher!)
Or a Classic Themer? (“Cowboys and Indians in the Summer House for an evening of whipcracking cocktails and native american nibbles”)
Or an Evil Themer (Bad Taste costumes. No one with good taste gets in!)

Don’t get too carried away with the prospect: themes aren’t all about you are they, sonny Jim?
Sonny Jim: What?
They are about your guests.
Sonny Jim: Oh yeah, them.

So lets imagine the creative journey your guests take from receiving the invite, to unveiling themelves at the door of your event.

The No-Theme, Generic Costume Party:

Its hard to know where to start without a theme, so people tend to opt for very straight costumes in a Generic Costume Party. (Cowboy, Cat, James Bond).

Figure 1: Although there is nothing at all wrong with coming as a cat if you do
it right.

There is something quite classy about a Generic Costume Party, as a result, if you can rely on your guests entering into the spirit.
But be aware that at least some of your guests may well have spent 6 weeks agonizing over their costume, only finally settling on something they can make out of the things they’ve got at home (or spending a fortune in the costume shop) and may arrive feeling downright worn out and kind of resenting the whole enterprise. They may feel even less cheerful when they look around the room and see seven other Cowboys; Seven cats and one Wigwam who is getting all the attention.

Themes are quite helpful in persuading people to dress fancy. Its hard to think of a costume that says everything you want to say about yourself and nothing you don’t, without a theme to work from. But with a theme to stick to, people let their imaginations run wild. Its about what they did to the theme, or with it. Its not their costume choice any more, it’s the theme’s costume and they can prance about in green body paint and strategically placed shells without explaining why this may or may not turn them on personally.
Furthermore, the theme explains your costume. Without a theme you have to come as something everyone will understand immediately. Its an embarrassing personal party failure to come as, say, Teenwolf, when all anyone else can see are some hi top trainers, a bad wig and some fake fur sellotaped around your hands.
‘I’m Teenwolf’, the man with the fake fur sellotaped to his hands says, and everyone raises their eyebrows and says
‘oh, right’. Someone says…
‘’You should have brought a basketball’ and the man with fake fur sellotaped to his hands wants to kill him.
“I thought you were that one out of the X men’ says someone else, and the man with fake fur sellotaped to his hands thinks, god, I should have come as frigging James Bond.
“There’s a brilliant Teenwolf over there you should meet” says someone else, pointing at a little guy channeling Michael J Fox surrounded by Cats and Dolly Partons stroking his lustrous mane “You could borrow his basketball!”

Another good thing about themes is that it gives people something to talk about when they get in to the party. It’s a common fondue pot in which each person can dip their conversational bread. People with lateral, whacky interpretations of the theme can explain themselves, to crowds of rapturous amusement and applause. People who have come as the same thing can shuffle toward each other and discuss their common ground, whose moustache is best and where they got the green body paint from. People with natural pairings, or unnatural ones can join up and get jiggy without having to make an excuse. Themes act as a raison d’etre in themselves, without guests having to explain how they know the host. What do you care who knows who, when you know she is Miss Piggy, he is Kermit and we’re all eating TV Fondue?!

Of course it is very important to get the balance right. Theme too loosely and everyone will turn up as a Cat or Cowboy or James Bond, but theme too tight and no one will come at all (they will be at home clutching their heads and sobbing, surrounded by PVC and foam and photocopies of old Dandy annuals, the classic symptoms of Costumers Block.)

This brings us onto…

Getting What you Want Out of Your Theme

Your choice of theme will dominate the party atmos, so its important consider the likely effect of the theme choice on how your party will go. Some pointers are included here, although even the most controlling of control freaks would admit that parties rely on a little unpredictability to really swing, so the following should be taken as directional only:

You want a Classy Do
Bad themes for a classy do are Bad Taste, 70s (although I understand that there were Classy Parties in the Seventies, its just that people rarely opt for this interpretation of the decade’s fashion.) and anything that allows for the crasser brands of filth (I’m thinking Vicars and Tarts and something like ‘Celebrity Bash’ which will result in lots of Jordan’s and Dean Gaffneys Funny if you have actually invited Jordan and Dean Gaffney, though…)
However, as we all know, filth can be very fine if done properly, so, great themes for a Class Do can include ‘Burlesque’ and ‘7 Deadly Sins’ (so long as you don’t invite my friend Mark who once went to a party on this theme dressed as ‘Gluttony’ with a chocolate éclair smeared over his face and the remains sitting on a plate strung around his neck and who was known for the duration of the do as ‘The Shit-eater’)

Figure 2: Burlesque is the Home of Corsetry and the Corset is a Friend to
ladies with bosoms.

Other great ideas for keeping your guests looking glamorous as well as be-costumed (which is the desired effect for a classy do) are Jazz Age, and Masqued Ball. Be warned that James Bond sounds like a brilliant idea for a classy do: basically just a more stimulating way of enforcing black tie, right? Wrong. The following costumes are to be encouraged at a James Bond do, in my book, and if you don’t want them in, then don’t invite me or anyone in my book:
The Titles: You’re in a tux, but you’ve somehow attached various pairs of arms with guns, shiva-like to your back
I Want you to Die Mr Bond: Any of the following: circular saws attached to leg, paper piranhas dangling around face, etc
Bond Girl just come out of Shower: Naked but for two towels and a gun
Grace Jones: Naked but sprayed gold
Get the picture? Although, this could just go to show that any theme, in the hands of people who want to mess with it, is likely to result in some nudity and probably, for those with controlling party instincts, worse, some high-maintenance PVC/Foam/Cardboard proppery. Deal with it, Sebastian.

You want a Rocking Do

Figure 2: In this picture we see Joe, Rocking, at Bestival to the Scissor Sisters

Whilst rocking dos are largely down to the guest list, the theme has the power to make or break the rocking-ness of the party. If it’s a bit forced you can look a bit like you are the school spanner who invited all the cool kids to his house and then shouted ‘Hey! Lets Have Fun, Guys!’ To this end I would avoid themes with inbuilt ‘whackiness’ (Bad Taste, Austin Powers) or try-hard Sexy Themes (School Disco[1] Orgy, Vicars and Tarts)

However, rocking dos can be created just through picking a theme which allows people to, like, express their secret, more rogueish selves. So, great themes for rocking dos include Rock Idols; Burlesque (again); Heroes and Villains; or in fact anything so long as it isn’t too prim (Nautical, Grease, Literary) and allows people to come as things like Hunter S Thompson, Zorro, and Cleopatra and to bring all those people’s naughty bits with them. (no not in a jar, I’m talking metaphorically).

You want to have a Pictureque Party

Figure 3: You should always be prepared for an unpicturesque punter. Here, Ian has come as Magnum PI. I know. But that's who he's supposed to be.

Sometimes its all about the pictures. I’m thinking of parties where you might be in a picturesque setting, or parties where you might want to have the pictures on our wall to keep to remind you of when you turned 21 or when you had your 20th Anniversary. For these parties sometimes its worthwhile thinking of themes with an inbuilt aesthetic. Consider Jazz Age for this sort of a party, or Literary, Theatrical themes. Think Nautical or Black and White. Okay so some people will rebel, there will be the odd Capn Birdseye, or Pelican Cossing sidling around in the background but surely you don’t mind a bit of that? Its like the spice added to a particularly pretty and piqant dessert: it only serves to set off the otherwise delightful concoction. You are going to look fabulous darling (just before you throw up on your spats).

You want to have sex

Well, a party is one way of pulling and it beats speed dating, right? The important thing here is not to get carried away with what you want your potential partner to be wearing and to focus on how sexy you will look. The secret is this: Uniform. Everyone looks hot in uniform, from the air stewardess to the Navy Seal to the Fireman to the (I’m sorry, people, but Prince Harry had it right on the button from a costume point of view) comedy Nazi. And yes, pervs and wishful nostalgics, there will be ladies in gymslips. See? The right theme can cater for everyone.

You want to know your friends much better

Figure 4: Dave IS Hunter S Thompson

There is always the option of making the theme explicitly revelatory. All themes offer people the opportunity to let on a little bit about their fantasies safely, but what if they were actually asked to come as their Alter Ego? Or their favourite member of the opposite sex (yes, gooey couples will come as each other: “But, Mike I don’t understand… why wouldn’t you come as me it would be so FUN babes…Anyway I haven’t got any thing that would make you look like Britney Spears” But also your best boy mate will spend an evening dragged up as Pat Butcher and two girls will turn up as Ant and Dec and what could be more fun?) The thing is, these sorts of themes are brilliant when you all know each other a bit well but are very High Risk for the invitees. I mean, you don’t really want people to think your alter ego really is Pat Sharp if its just that you’ve got a Mullet wig left over from Halloween and can’t think of anything clever and low risk…So if you don’t know anyone there who knows better, and you can’t think of anything funny you probably won’t come at all. As a host it is your responsibility that all your guests are comfortable with, nay, enthusiastic about coming to your party. If people are not coming because they think they have to come as Pat Sharp then you, I’m afraid, have failed them.


PS ([1] for the record, from now on, anyone who defines their theme as School Disco is clearly identified as someone who has only held the party so they can perv over their friends and imagine they were in the fifth form again, only this time they have got friends or at least enough drugs to bribe people into attending their party. They will inevitably spend a lot of the party grabbing their friends’ girlfriends’ tits and will end up sweaty and defeated, slumped in the corner with their tie comedically tied around their head, watching more attractive people than them remove each others gymslips to Bon Jovi. )

Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy - 3 Basic Principles

Before we Begin: 3 Basic Principles of Dressing Fancy

1) Make a bloody effort.
There is a tasteful answer to every theme and there’s always the option to just wear a hat. Ignoring the call to fancy dress completely makes you look like the sort of pretentious tosser who is too up themselves to mess their hair up. At a fancy dress party its the guy in nice jeans and a top who becomes the outsider. Unless he can convince people that he’s come as Dermot O Leary (they won’t buy it)
If you do nothing else, a wig or hat is a simple way to transform yourself from party pooper to party person.

Here, Abi and Joe prove that with the addition of a few simple head accessories you can get away without a costume at all if you really wanted to


2) Sticking to the theme is good. Reinterpreting the theme is better. Ignoring the theme can be great.
Figure 1

The theme is like the Universal Id that defines your social station at the party, and as we mentioned earlier in the lesson, the rules of dressing fancy are unlike the rules of dressing normally. Here’s a good example. (fig one) There are those girls who will attend a Cowboys and Indians party dressed as a cowgirl and they are fine. They are nice girls and they look good in a Ten Gallon Hat and chaps and they’ve made the effort. Then there are people who come as Bollywood dancers. That’s better because it suggests that not only do they look hot in a midriff-skimming floaty top and pyjama bottoms, they have a bit of a brain and the spunk not to do the obvious thing. Then there are the girls who come as Cowboy Builders with a comedy plastic arse and a hard hat. They probably look a bit less sexy on the surface but they are brilliant because they don’t care what they look like so long as its clever and funny. They probably get a lot of sex anyway. Then there’s the girl who came as a Chicken Korma. Even though no one can get near her for tin foil and greasy cardboard, she’s getting more claps than anyone, the big old smarty-pants. Then there’s the girl who came as Wonder Woman. Because she likes going to parties dressed as Wonder Woman. She’s probably either Dutch or a bit mental but there’s a lot to love about that girl. She’s fighting for her rights! In her satin tights! She really is a wonder woman.
3) Everyone looks sexy in uniform. (Unless there’s a tabard involved)
The good thing about this piece of knowledge is that once you have it, you also notice that every single theme can lead to uniform wearing if you stretch it enough (see under 2). This is the golden secret of fancy dress. I’m a bit sorry I’ve given it away actually. Don’t tell anyone.

Fern's Guide to Dressing Fancy - Intro

Foreword

Fancy Dress is not just about looking like a dickhead at a party.
No, really, it isn’t.
It’s about everyone looking like a twat at a party. It’s a leveller, and a conversation starter. It’s a chance to wear clothes you aren’t usually allowed to put on, a chance to show off how creative you are, a chance to pretend you are someone you aren’t, a chance to be the person in a tutu, and, yes, every chance you will look like an idiot. It’s fairies and exotic animals and aristos from Ye Olden Dayes. It’s also scratchy wigs and someone who built a wigwam costume out of binbags and broom handles. Whatever it is we’re all in it together. Apart from the person who came in their normal clothes. Now they really look like a dickhead. Dickhead.

The Idea of this Guide

So you get an invite to a fancy dress party, or better still, you decide to hold your own. And the question is, what’s the theme?
In the old days you didn’t need to have a theme at all. A costume party would involve people dressed as clowns, as Napoleon and possibly as a Native American Chief. You could probably expect some wag to come Blacked Up in a comically racist fashion.[1]
However in recent years, things have got a lot more sophisticated and you will probably be required to be ‘on theme’.
So what happens is, you spend a few weeks delighting in the possibilities of the theme, trying to decide between several really clever interpretations of the theme, imagining how hot you will look in a catsuit and telling the other invitees that you’ve got a really clever idea which is a BIG SECRET. One of them will say that actually they are making something complicated themselves like a wigwam or a pantomime horse or a giant foam mobile phone, and you will laugh in their FACE saying ‘Hohoho it will never work you will be a laughing stock’

Then on the day of the party you spot three things:
One. You look like shit in a catsuit.
Two. You have no idea what to wear now.
Three. No one who works in your local fancy dress shop gives a rats ass about the fact that you haven’t got anything to wear, because seven people are standing behind you trying to return Elvis jumpsuits with a bit of sick on them and they only took the job so they could steal the nurses gear for their girlfriend and the cash to spend on the seven bottles of WKD it is going to take to make her wear it. You are fucked and you are going to have to either come up with something brilliant quick, or work out how to make a wigwam out of bin bags and broom handles.
This is where the guide comes in. Thanks to the guide you can now…

1) Get ideas for costume themes for parties
2) Get ideas for brilliant interpretations of those themes in costume
3) Tell you how to make things to wear for costumes

Thank goodness for me! You’re saved! Lets party, Mr Wigwam!

[1] This tends to be frowned on in most circles nowadays, although is more common than you might expect if the theme allows for Mr T costumes.